Introduction

I’ve been with my girlfriend for five years. In the beginning, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other, sometimes having sex more than once a day. At the time, I was 60 and she was 51. After the first year, our routine settled into intimacy two or three times a week, with her often being multi-orgasmic.

Challenges We Faced

The pandemic introduced significant stress into our lives, which affected our intimacy. My girlfriend began experiencing hot flashes and changes “down there.” Although she had a hysterectomy years ago, her ovaries remain, so it wasn’t clear initially what was happening. Occasionally, if I masturbated, it would pique her interest, leading to intimacy.

Current Situation

As tension grew between us, our physical relationship dwindled. While she has consulted her doctor about the hot flashes, that’s as far as it went. We’ve had serious talks and agreed to work on our relationship, which has improved our overall connection. We still cuddle in bed, but she consistently turns down my advances. Sometimes, I wake up to find her using a vibrator, and if I attempt to join, she dismisses the interaction, saying it’s just to help her sleep.

Considering the Future

I’ve held onto hope, partly because her daughter, who sees me as a stepdad, is set to leave for college this fall. As the saying goes, “Sex is only 10 percent of a marriage when it’s good, but when it’s bad (or nonexistent), it’s 90 percent.”

Understanding Our Differences

Your desire for intimacy is perfectly normal, but so is your girlfriend’s reluctance due to stress and physical changes. You’re at a crossroads where neither is at fault, yet your desires differ.

Suggestions for Improvement

Consider reading “Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections” by Emily Nagoski, Ph. D. The book delves into reigniting a fulfilling sex life in long-term relationships. Nagoski highlights that a lack of interest in sex often comes from stress or anxiety, not from a lack of desire.

Addressing Stressors

To help her feel more inclined toward intimacy, focus on reducing her stress. Ask if there’s anything you can do to ease her life-perhaps cooking meals, running errands, or offering massages. Alleviating stressors could restore her energy and desire for intimacy, while also making her feel cared for.

Building Emotional Connection

Engage in activities that deepen your bond, like cooking together, walking, or sharing thoughts. Initiating sex without connecting during the day is like trying to start a fire without enough fuel. Strengthening your emotional connection creates the warmth needed for intimacy.

Alternative Forms of Intimacy

Explore non-sexual forms of intimacy, such as cuddling, kissing, or giving massages. These activities can strengthen your connection and create a comfortable atmosphere for both of you.

Seeking Professional Guidance

If these efforts don’t work, consider seeing a couple’s sex therapist. A professional can help uncover issues that may not surface in personal conversations. Therapy might assist your girlfriend in expressing what’s affecting her desire.

Ultimately, You don’t want to live without sex, and it would be unfortunate to end the relationship over this issue, especially since other aspects are positive. With patience and collaboration, you may find a way to reconnect sexually.