If you’re considering a threesome, you’re not the only one. According to a study by Justin Lehmiller, Ph. D., a Men’s Health advisory board member and Kinsey Institute research fellow, group sex ranks as the most common sexual fantasy among Americans. Men, in particular, often dream about encounters involving multiple partners.

Research indicates that approximately 10% of women and 18% of men have experienced a threesome. If you’re aiming to join this group and turn your fantasy into reality, here are some key considerations. We consulted sex experts and individuals who’ve had threesomes to gather insights on how to navigate this experience.

Personal Experiences

“Threesomes for me have been about enjoying another woman along with the woman I love. It’s the shared experience with my partner that I cherish the most. Plus, the chance to be with multiple women in one night is an ego boost.” -Rafa, 34, San Diego

“There’s something unique about being intimate with multiple people simultaneously. It’s not just about fantasy fulfillment; it’s about the joy of loving two people at once.” -Spencer, 21, Quebec

“In group scenarios, you can get really creative with new positions and taking turns to focus on one person. The dynamic nature means sex continues even if someone takes a break. It’s a constant process you don’t get in 1-1 encounters.” -L, 22, UK

Considerations for a Threesome

Before diving in, it’s crucial to think about your preferences. Here are some questions to ponder:

• Are you joining an existing couple, inviting someone to join you and your partner, or recruiting a few free agents? Your approach will guide your search for a threesome.
• What are your combined sexual orientations? What interactions and activities are you open to? Some prefer no kissing or remove penetration from the options. Some men desire a “devil’s threesome” with two men and no interaction between them, while others prefer a fully bisexual experience.
• Consider potential locations, sleeping arrangements, and how long you want the experience to last. If you’re partnered and prefer not to have the third person stay, communicate that clearly. If you’re open to it, ensure there’s enough space for three.

Finding the Right People

Connecting with communities that share similar views on sex and relationships can be helpful. As Rafa from San Diego suggests, kink and LGBTQ communities can provide opportunities for organizing threesomes. While dating websites can be useful, avoid being a “unicorn hunter.”

“My partner and I browsed each other’s Tinder matches and messaged those we both found interesting, discussing boundaries, likes, and dislikes before meeting up.” -Gabe, 30, Cape Town

“Start by discussing possibilities with your partner. If you’re single, apps like Feeld and OKC and online communities are places to explore. Most sex-positive people I’ve met were through these methods.” -Daniel L., 40, Queens

Avoiding Unicorn Hunting

Unicorn hunting involves a heterosexual couple seeking a bisexual woman for a threesome. While it’s not wrong to look for a bisexual woman, unicorn hunters often have a negative reputation for treating women as transactions rather than individuals. They may use predatory tactics, like posing as single women to lure potential partners, which can leave bisexual women feeling betrayed.

“If your only interest is having a third without emotional connection, consider hiring a professional sex worker,” advises Daniel L. This allows you to tailor the experience without emotional complications.

The Importance of Communication

Communication is crucial, especially for those in monogamous relationships. Jealousy can occur, but discussing rules and boundaries can enhance comfort. If communication is a challenge, consider postponing a threesome until you’re more skilled in this area.

“Start by sharing each person’s desires, fears, and boundaries,” suggests sexuality educator Cory Bush, CD. “This helps reveal potential roadblocks and address triggers or discomfort.”

Define boundaries beforehand and remember that erections may not always occur in group situations, which is normal. Focus on creative ways to pleasure without emphasizing penetration.

“If you’re pursuing a threesome as a fantasy, adjust your expectations. They can be awkward initially and may take a few attempts to meet your vision.” -Spencer, 21, Quebec

“If someone is eager for sex but dismissive of preparation, they might not have your best interests in mind.” -Gabe, 30, Cape Town

“Finding someone to rekindle attraction with your partner points to a different issue that requires communication and possibly therapy.” -Evans, 29, Ghana

“The key is ensuring both parties are enthusiastic, even if they express it differently. My concern is when one partner leads and the other just follows.” -Emerson K, 21, Kansas

Managing Risks and Building Trust

When entering a threesome with a partner, various issues can arise, such as jealousy, insecurity, or unexpected triggers. This activity can expose relationship instabilities.

Ensure your relationship feels secure before proceeding. “If things don’t go as planned or something triggers you, it’s vital to have a supportive partner to help you through it,” says Bush. “Feeling both physically and emotionally safe is essential to fully embrace pleasure. If there’s potential for conflict, address those concerns first.”

Although pursuing a threesome can be intimidating, don’t let fear dictate your actions. It can be a chance to have fun, explore sexually, and strengthen your connection with your partner(s).